Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Miscount? 13 weeks and 1 day!

We went to the Imaging clinic yesterday to get our nuchal fold test done and I was so nervous going in. I had vowed not to be as nervous as last time but apparently I don't listen to myself! The lady who scanned me was so kind and went out of her way to tell me how good my scans were and that the baby looked wonderful and just how it should for 13 weeks. "13 weeks?", I said, "I thought I was only 12!" but apparently not.  We got a lovely disc of images too so I'll work on posting some of them soon. 

I don't know whether it is a sign of something either but I have been referring to baby as 'he', perhaps prophetic? Not sure. I'd be delighted with a boy or girl either way. When ever I ask Little V what the baby is though she says little brother whose name is 'baby' so we'll have to wait until the twenty week scan to see. Luckily 'baby' as a name goes both ways!

Today we went shopping in town and it was quite successful. We even stood in line to get a Santa photo and Little V was not too badly behaved (with plyings of crackers, drink and finally a dummy). I did have a strange moment where I developed a shining crescent flash in my right eye. It lasted about 10 minutes and then disappeared. I googled it, of course, when I got home as this is the third time it's happened and it could be an ocular migraine or in pregnant women over 20 or so weeks a sign of pre-eclampsia, only it's normally accompanied by high blood pressure and swelling in the hands, feet or face which I don't have so I'll wait and mention it to my OB when I next see her on the 31st.  It doesn't hurt but it is quite disconcerting! 

Energy levels have been quite good and not as much nausea, if I had to rate today (even though it's not over yet!) I think it'd be an 8 out of 10 :)

12 weeks

I had arranged a while back to go walking with a friend (Miss S) today and after yesterday I was a bit worried that I'd have to cancel due to erkiness. Luckily this was no the case and we were able to set off around ten. I was aware that I wasn't walking at my usual pace (I can't believe I feel so encumbered already!) but Miss S didn't seem to notice.  

Miss S is one of the friends I had previously mentioned that has been trying to get pregnant for a long, long time and started off having hormone tablets and then progressed to injections to try and get her ovulation happening.  I see her quite often and it was a heart breaking thing to watch each months disappointment when she found that she had not conceived. She had told me near the end of November that her OB was going to give her one last 'go' at trying on her own and if she hadn't by December then he wanted her to come in for an op to 'clear out her tubes'! I was so upset for her as I had just recently been through my op and could totally sympathise with the fear and anxiety that come along with such a prospect.  I really prayed and wished for her to be successful and I was a bit annoyed at the pressure her OB had seemed to put on her. 

Well, whilst walking and talking she started telling me how she wasn't sure if she was going to be able to go on her holidays overseas anymore and how she'd have to wait until her next scan and I couldn't help myself, "You said scan!" I exclaimed and she looked at me guiltily and smiled and nodded her head. Of course we carried on like twits in the street, laughing and hugging and all the rest and she told me that she hopes that I get pregnant soon so we can be fatties together and so it was my turn to look guilty. More carrying on and laughing ensued! 

What a great day! It turns out she may be having twins too! Something to do with the hormone injections she tells me but not to get too excited yet as apparently one may be absorbed in the early stages. She is around seven weeks so we will not be far apart in things at all. Let's hope all goes well for the both of us :) It is nice to have some happy news.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

11 weeks 6 days

Had an absolute shocker of a day today. Big V and I decided to try and be organised and go Christmas shopping together so there would be two of us to look after Little V but we had such issues even getting out the door that we ended up setting out an hour later than intended. 

Once in town we were driving round the block to try and find a park and I could feel this wave of nausea starting to rise in my belly. I said to Big V that I needed to eat something pretty soon as usually that does the trick but I suddenly realised that it wasn't going to wait. I choked out a "pull over!" and just as he did I opened up the door to let fly with a charming jet of bile into the gutter. Thank God there were no pedestrians in sight as I just kept going and going and going... 

Needless to say it was an extremely unflattering moment and one I don't care to repeat. As I shakily closed the door a new aroma infested the car but it wasn't me. Little V had chosen that moment to crap herself. It was a unanimous decision to call it quits and go home.  Little V went to sleep as soon as we got home and I curled up on the couch and tried to feel comfortable and ignore the foul taste in my mouth that even chipolte sauce couldn't get rid of. I hope tomorrow is a more productive day!

Friday, December 17, 2010

11 weeks 5 days

More nausea today - bleurgh! I find it's when I don't eat in time that it's the worst. I was halfway through making toast this morning when a wave of gagging hit. I'm so glad we have privacy blinds in our kitchen! It would not have been a good look to be caught dry retching into the kitchen sink! Just one more of the not so attractive things that can come with pregnancy. 

Although I must remind myself that I promised not to complain as I was so afraid that I would not even be able to conceive after the last time. And also that I have so many friends who are going through troubles with wanting a baby - hormone tablets, injections, IVF, etc. One particular friend I just make wishes for all the time that it will happen for her because she gets her hopes up so, so much each month and then gets so depressed when it doesn't. People say, it'll happen when it happens, relax and don't stress so much but it it is so much easier said than done. 

We all have our different worries. For me it's just hoping that every aspect of this pregnancy turns out ok. The gestation, the birth, the child's health afterwards, MY health afterwards... it can become an all consuming thing if you let it. I am conscious to pull myself up when I feel my thoughts wander down that path and try to turn to more positive thoughts, after all what help is it to worry? None at all.

We are going to Big V's Christmas work dinner tonight and I've thought very long and hard about what sort of attire will hide my growing paunch. I managed to find a little orangey, smock type tunic which does the hiding quite nicely without looking like a fancy sack. Well done me :) It will be nice to go out for meal that I don't have to cook myself!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

11 weeks 4 days

Had a fantastic day today.  Mood much, much better. No nausea either, yay!  The only thing I'm a bit concerned about is that I've been feeling like I'm starting to get constipated (pleasant, I know but this is a warts and all account!) I'm not yet but I'm aware that I feel different down there :( I've started trying to drink more water (probably a good thing anyway) and perhaps I'll invest in some prunes too!  Some of the mother's I know have told me about their experiences with haemorrhoids and they just sound so unpleasant!  Constipation seems to be a contributing factor so I really, REALLY hope I don't get them!

I went to Mother's group this morning to catch up with the lovely ladies that I met just after having Little V. Two of them, Mrs. L and Mrs. K, have just had their second babies, literally within a week or two of each other and Mrs. B is due in Feb. I got to cuddle K's new Bub and she is simply devine. Perhaps that's what perked my mood, cuddling this tiny little life. You forget how small they are in the beginning.  

We're going to have our own Chrissy/ goodbye dinner this week as B is leaving for the mainland to live for a bit while her hubby does his placement for work (he is a Dr.). She assures us that they'll definitely be back as their hearts are here but you never know. I will be really sad to see B go as I have connected with her perhaps the most, it is not that far away to visit but with little ones it always ups the ante to travel!

I really wanted to sleep in the afternoon as I've been feeling very fatigued but I made myself stay up and then took Little V down to visit a friend's new house. We had chatted yesterday and she guessed that I was pregnant! She is a NICU nurse though so I guess she is more tuned in to these things. She is also trying for her third and hopes she gets there soon so we can be fatties together, hahaha! We have decided to go out to dinner on New Year's Eve and we will stay at theirs and share a babysitter. A lovely plan as I get so tired in the evening now, I'm not sure I'd be awake for the 12 o'clock countdown!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

11 weeks 3 days

Had a bit of a crap nights sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night with a bout of hayfever - such itchy ears and throat! It was ages before I could get back to sleep and as a result I'm feeling a bit average today.

There's so much to do before Christmas and I feel like I just want to ignore it all. We are having Christmas day lunch at ours for Big V's family and then Boxing day lunch at my Mum's for our family. I am a bit concerned at how we'll go at ours because Big V's Dad (Poppy) cannot have salt in his diet and his Mum (Nanny) is a diabetic, so no sugar!!! I'm thinking eye fillet, oven baked for Poppy and Turkey - hold the cranberry, for Nanny. I'm sure I am worrying over nothing but lately my moods seem prone to over worrying and analysing. When is the nice nesting, motherly feelings going to kick in!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

11 weeks 2 days

Woke up feeling awesome and energised, ready to tackle anything kinda mood.  No nausea, although my tummy has started feeling a little distended and it's getting harder to hide the mini paunch that is appearing. I guess second time round your muscles are slightly more relaxed!

I tried to ring a few people to catch up but no one was available so Little V and I ended up riding down to the park by ourselves.  One thing I've noticed about this pregnancy is that while I am not experiencing the extreme lows in mood as I did with the previous one, I am feeling very emotional and sensitive. I really, REALLY wanted to hang out with people today and even though I was feeling good I got quite sad when no one was available.  I knew this was a ridiculous feeling and I didn't want it to stop me doing something so I'm glad I had enough verve to kick my own butt and go on our lonesome anyway. It's so frustrating to know that you are susceptible to your hormones and can feel like something is wrong even though you know there is nothing wrong. It's like you go about your day searching for something to pin the blame on because you think 'I must be feeling this way for a reason', only the reason is chemical not situational!

I rang Big V to chat to him about this and being the lovely that he is he offered to cancel his jogging plans with our BIL and stay home with me. I actually got quite teary on the phone to him which I hate because I sound like a sap! I declined his offer because I know how little time he has for things like gym and exercise these days and I am not terrific company when feeling like this, I'd rather not use him as a whipping boy! Also, I do not want to give in to these feelings. I'd rather try and stay positive. Sure I'll acknowledge how I'm feeling but I don't want to let it control my life!

Monday, December 13, 2010

New beginnings :: take two

This is to be a pregnancy diary of sorts for me. A warts and all account of how I came to be here and of my travels down this path. I hope I can write daily but if not, at least weekly. I want this to be something I can look back on to help me remember things as I realise from my first pregnancy that you so easily forget (or perhaps block!) the journey as life goes on.  I want to be completely honest and open about all I go through and not 'pretty' it up as I feel that it can be cathartic to share experiences fully, both the positive and the negative.  

I don't mind if other people follow this blog, if they do I hope they can take away something positive from my experiences.  I remember during my first pregnancy there were many moments that I thought, well here's something they never told you about! So maybe for first timers it may shed some light on what to expect and maybe for others they can just relate, either way I am happy to share my journey.

I first found out I was pregnant on the 29th of October and it really came as a big surprise.  This year has been one filled with slightly more lows than highs so it was with mixed feelings that I sat and let this news sink in.

I suppose I should begin at an earlier point to put this all into perspective.  My husband (Big V) and I had both decided that we wanted another child, our baby (Little V) had turned one in January and we thought that by the time 9-10 months had rocked round, she'd be old enough to understand what was going on.  I had made the decision to enroll Little V into one day a week of childcare so that she could meet other children and if I were to fall pregnant it would give me a free day to set up appointments for OBs, GPs, blood tests, etc and basically have a moment to myself if I needed it. During Little V's pregnancy I had morning sickness basically all day and all night until 15 weeks when it mysteriously disappeared so I was a bit worried it would be like that again meaning poor Little V would not get much out and about if I was laid up on the couch all the time!  

Towards the end of May I felt like I had contracted cystitis (dreaded urinary tract infection for those not in the know) and so I went on a course of antibiotics but during the course of taking them I started to throw up and feel the same old creeping nausea of morning sickness. So I did a test and it came back positive, needless to say I stopped the antibiotics even though they are schedule A (safe for pregnancy) and went to see my OB.  She did a scan and gave me a picture showing that I was 7 weeks and 5 days along. Big V was ecstatic but I have to say looking back now I had feelings of trepidation even then. 

As the pregnancy progressed I was constantly ill with morning sickness, I had the worst hormonal lows I've ever had in my entire life and I seemed to have a perpetual cold that just wouldn't go away.  Around 9 weeks I caught something from Little V and came down with a fever which worried me no end. I went to see the GP on the Monday and explained my fears about my pregnancy and she tried to make me feel better by using a doppler machine to see if we could hear the heartbeat of the baby.  She said she could hear it but I just couldn't make it out.  

I started having these feelings like there was something wrong with the baby and upon expressing them to Big V, he'd say, "There's nothing wrong, you're just feeling the effects of your hormones. Everything's fine." and words to those effects.  Of course I would try and believe him, because I knew I wasn't feeling my normal self but at the 12 weeks scan my worst fears were realised when the lady scanning my belly switched off the machine and took my hand and said, "I'm sorry but I can't find a heartbeat, your baby seems to have stopped growing a few weeks ago." and I just remember feeling very unsurprised. I told her I knew already and she said that Mother's often do before anyone else. My poor, poor husband of course had no clue and he was devastated. I comforted him as best I could but honestly what do you say?  Neither of us had ever dealt with a situation like this, in fact neither of us have had many encounters with death at all, certainly not this close to home.  

I ended up miscarrying naturally a day later and I have to say it is a very sad and lonely experience. I was at home and Big V was at work. I had started cramping in the morning and he asked whether I wanted him to stay home but at that stage the gravity of what was happening had not sunk in and I told him I'd be fine. I was feeling like I had accepted what was going on, after all I had known all along hadn't I?  The cramps got worse around lunch and all of a sudden it started, I barely had enough time to get to the bathroom.  It seemed like I was contracting and expelling all at the same time, I started crying because I realised it was birth without the effort and that there would be no joyous meeting at the end.  It felt like my insides were falling out and I could do nothing to stop it.  My body had taken over and to put it bluntly was cleaning house. I think sometimes, while these automatic responses can be a blessing they can also be a curse.  A blessing because mentally I could not have driven the process, a curse because of the loss of control over my physical self.  I managed to call Big V and he came home immediately even though he couldn't really do anything it was an enormous comfort to have his presence there.  A solid, warm rock of a man; he truly is my other half.  

When it was all over I was so utterly drained, emotionally and physically. I think I slept for twelve hours straight. And where was Little V through all this? Napping obliviously away in the bedroom. I remember thinking the timing of the whole thing was amazing as I had basically just finished putting her down to sleep when it all first started.  I'm glad she wasn't aware of what was going on.  The next couple of weeks were blurry and numb. We received well wishes from those that knew and had to deal with many awkward situations telling others we were no longer pregnant. When confronted with this situation I often found myself playing the role of comforter as I didn't want the person to feel bad because you can see them struggling, trying to find something appropriate to say.  I'd like to think I am quite pragmatic and that nature has it's way of dealing with these things and I try and take what I can from the whole process and use it to learn new things about myself and life in general.  I have a new appreciation for my daughter and my husband. I knew I was lucky before to have them but now those feelings are stronger and we are closer as a result.  The sadness over the whole loss was a new experience for me. It was not a hysterical, depressing thing, rather somehow deep and meaningful, and now a part of me. 

Some weeks later after we think the whole thing is over I am told I must go in for a scan as I had last reported to my OB that my bleeding was taking some time to peter off. Not having been through this before I didn't realise that this wasn't normal. It turned out I had 'retained product' a charming, cold medical term meaning you haven't quite finished the job. Great, just great. So I end up going in for a hysteroscopy, not a DnC as the 'retained product' was only the size of a five cent piece. How frustrating! But it could not be left for me to try and expel during my next period for reasons of risk of infection and also the fact that it may act like an IUD and create complications for future pregnancies. So yet another thing to drag this experience out when all I want to do is put it behind me and start building myself back up. I had been feeling so much better, lighter in mood, more motivated and generally well all over.  

I went in on the 16th of September and it was all over and done within a matter of hours. I was told I have some light bleeding and to book myself in for a check up with the OB 6 weeks later and to get a check up scan a couple of weeks before that appointment. The bleeding however wasn't light and so panicking that they hadn't got rid of it all, I rang my OB the following Monday and we came to the conclusion that it was my period, how very regular of me!  So at my check up scan four weeks later I warned them I might have to cancel as I might be due for my period again.  Luckily on the day, I hadn't started and so I went ahead with the appointment. The lady assured me everything was 'beautiful' in my womb and exactly how it should be. I asked if she could tell if I was going to get my period soon and she informed me that my lining was 7mm thick which indicates that the walls are thickening in preparation, to which I replied, "In preparation for a period, right?", "Either that or pregnancy." She said. "Am I pregnant?" I immediately ask but she tells me it is too soon to tell but if I think I am due for a period then that is probably the most likely thing.  

So I wait for my period to arrive and a week goes by and it is getting to the end of week 2 and I think, what the hell is going on? Maybe I should do a pregnancy test? So I do and lo and behold it is positive! Amazing! I ring my OB and she also thinks this is wonderful, amazing news. We cancel the check up appointment and make one for some weeks later so I can get referrals and everything in order.  When I finally go in for the first scan I feel so nervous. There's no reason why it should be like last time, I am much healthier, no colds, no perpetual hormonal lows and not even as much morning sickness. When she does the scan the date shows 7 weeks and 5 days, exactly the same time as the previous baby but this time it LOOKS like a baby. I can clearly make out the head and the beginnings of bumps that will be arms and legs. The previous baby's picture looked like just a strange blob, perhaps all along things weren't right. I'll never know so I won't dwell on it.

I have recently been in for another scan and I was so nervous leading up to it which of course is to be accepted given all that has happened but I was so relieved when the baby showed up on the screen. New V was bouncing around, punching his/ her little arms almost like they were waving at me. We are now nearly 12 weeks along.  I have to say there were a few tears because I want this to be a beautiful, positive experience, un-shadowed by the events before and when I saw the little one waving and bouncing so merrily it really reinforced for me that every time is different and whilst there will still be the occasional worry I will still invest myself fully in this new journey and try and love every moment it brings.

This is a very long entry and I don't plan on others being anywhere near as long. I just felt like I wanted to put into words my account of how I got here.  If you made it to the end, thank you for reading.