Not a good start to the day :(

I am having quite a shit day and it's barely even started. Woke up in the middle of the night after dreaming that I'd had the baby and the baby had died. It really, really upset me and I just don't seem to be able to stop worrying about this pregnancy. I can feel that I'm not investing in it emotionally for fear of things ending up badly and this dream just makes things worse. There's not much Big V can say to comfort me either, other than the, 'It's ok', 'The baby is fine' type responses and I know I shouldn't worry because it doesn't help anyway but it doesn't seem to make it stop. 

On top of this I am sick of being itchy round my neck and upper torso. There's no real discernible rash but when I look closely the skin looks dry and slightly crepe like. My butt muscle is giving me the absolute shits and I am sick of not being able to get around as easily as I would like. All these things combined are really chipping away at me and I'm feeling very low. Big V is also stressed because he has a hearing on today so we had an argument over nothing this morning which I'm sure neither of us needed. It is hard when both parties in a relationship are stressed. It feels like you just want the other person to give time and effort to you but if they are low as well and they want the same thing no one's going to get anything if you're both empty!

When he left for work I couldn't help but cry because I just felt overwhelmed by everything. Little V saw and was so lovely. She came and hugged me and said 'Mummy sad, come cuddle, wipe the tears away.' Which made me feel a lot better.  She is awesome.  I hate being down in the dumps. I feel like it is a waste of time so I'm going to harden up and get on with the day because I don't like being a sulky bob! If only I could stop itching and limping!

16 weeks 1 day

Tried to book an appointment at Radiology for an ultra sound on my butt only they were fully booked out till next week which is kind of okay because I'm hoping it'll heal on it's own and I won't have to have a giant needle in my butt cheek. My friend came round today to keep me company as Little V went back to daycare. I have no idea what we'll do tomorrow, I hope she doesn't get too bored as I can't take her anywhere because I can't really walk! 

My friend, Ro-ro and I did some sewing instead. A good activity for keeping still. I started a quilt for Mum today. I've been meaning to make it since last Christmas so it's about time! Also used my overlocker for the first time today and I think I need a lesson on it as I am unsure about tensioning and all that guff. Not sure when I'll get to that though, hopefully soonish, within a month perhaps?  Ro-ro ended up falling asleep on the couch and said she actually felt a little unwell but I thought it was nice that she stayed even though she went to asleep because sometimes I just like a presence around me and no pressure to entertain. She's a good friend like that, hanging out is easy.

A girl who I am in a walking group with is pregnant again now too. Actually two of them are. 

R and J. R got pregnant shortly after I miscarried and it was hard to be happy for her, not that I said or showed that to her but it just felt that way and now J is too and she's 20 weeks along which means she must've been preggo for a while and not said anything. I wonder if she didn't say anything because she thought she'd hurt my feelings or whether she was just being safe like me? Perhaps none of the above but still I am happy for her and I can't wait to tell her that we're preggo again too :)

16 weeks

My butt is so, so sore :( I can barely move around and the frustration is growing. I see so many things that need doing and just cannot get to them. I can also see Big V's frustration growing because then he feels like he has to do them all.  I just want to have a clean house and the washing done before Big V has to go back to work and it's just not looking that way.  He'll have to do the grocery shopping, wash the dishes (which he's doing right now) pick up the many miscellaneous things around the lounge room and put on and peg out washes... what a way to spend your last day of holidays! The poor thing. 

On the pregnancy side of things my nose has stopped bleeding as regularly since I started putting paw paw on it (up it?). It makes Little V want to put paw paw up her nose too when she sees me so I've been trying to do it away from her as I figure it is not a good habit to get into - the shoving of things up noses.

My tummy is really starting to feel pregnant too now.  One of the many things my pregnancy tracker has told me now is that I should be able to feel my uterus just under my belly button if I press gently when I'm laying down. I tried it to see. They're right.  

Feeling so annoyed and slightly bored that I can't do stuff right now... so I'm off to lay with Little V to help her go to sleep for her midday nap.

15 weeks and 5 days

I've been having a break from writing over New Year. Big V is on holidays (last day today - boo) so I've been away from the computer which is a good thing really :)  

We got our test results back which say we are a low risk on the nuchal folds test so that was a relief. I had a scan at my OBs and it looked like Baby was asleep, laying with arms above head. I could see the heart beating away but Baby didn't move and so since then I have been a little worried. I do not want to give in to paranoia but I am finding it hard to not be anxious during this pregnancy, so annoying!

I have also managed to strain a tendon in my right butt cheek (oh the indignity) how this has occurred I couldn't say but it is proving to be a frustration as getting things done is a lot harder when you keep getting 'pinged' in the butt when you move a certain way! I imagine it must be the similar to sciatica which I've heard some pregnant women get and I that's what I thought it might have been at first but the pain is only in the cheek not shooting down my leg so nope, not a pressie from the preggo fairy.

Big V took me on a shopping trip for my birthday this year and I found some awesome maternity jeans from Jeanswest for only $65! Or 2 for $99 which we got because Big V got a pair too - obviously not maternity style though, hahaha! I am quite chuffed with this find as last time I was pregnant and looked at a pair of preggo jeans they were $199 so I figure I've got a bargain :) Also, just a secret here but they are so super comfy I can see them being worn after pregnancy as well!