Not a good start to the day :(

I am having quite a shit day and it's barely even started. Woke up in the middle of the night after dreaming that I'd had the baby and the baby had died. It really, really upset me and I just don't seem to be able to stop worrying about this pregnancy. I can feel that I'm not investing in it emotionally for fear of things ending up badly and this dream just makes things worse. There's not much Big V can say to comfort me either, other than the, 'It's ok', 'The baby is fine' type responses and I know I shouldn't worry because it doesn't help anyway but it doesn't seem to make it stop. 

On top of this I am sick of being itchy round my neck and upper torso. There's no real discernible rash but when I look closely the skin looks dry and slightly crepe like. My butt muscle is giving me the absolute shits and I am sick of not being able to get around as easily as I would like. All these things combined are really chipping away at me and I'm feeling very low. Big V is also stressed because he has a hearing on today so we had an argument over nothing this morning which I'm sure neither of us needed. It is hard when both parties in a relationship are stressed. It feels like you just want the other person to give time and effort to you but if they are low as well and they want the same thing no one's going to get anything if you're both empty!

When he left for work I couldn't help but cry because I just felt overwhelmed by everything. Little V saw and was so lovely. She came and hugged me and said 'Mummy sad, come cuddle, wipe the tears away.' Which made me feel a lot better.  She is awesome.  I hate being down in the dumps. I feel like it is a waste of time so I'm going to harden up and get on with the day because I don't like being a sulky bob! If only I could stop itching and limping!

16 weeks 1 day

Tried to book an appointment at Radiology for an ultra sound on my butt only they were fully booked out till next week which is kind of okay because I'm hoping it'll heal on it's own and I won't have to have a giant needle in my butt cheek. My friend came round today to keep me company as Little V went back to daycare. I have no idea what we'll do tomorrow, I hope she doesn't get too bored as I can't take her anywhere because I can't really walk! 

My friend, Ro-ro and I did some sewing instead. A good activity for keeping still. I started a quilt for Mum today. I've been meaning to make it since last Christmas so it's about time! Also used my overlocker for the first time today and I think I need a lesson on it as I am unsure about tensioning and all that guff. Not sure when I'll get to that though, hopefully soonish, within a month perhaps?  Ro-ro ended up falling asleep on the couch and said she actually felt a little unwell but I thought it was nice that she stayed even though she went to asleep because sometimes I just like a presence around me and no pressure to entertain. She's a good friend like that, hanging out is easy.

A girl who I am in a walking group with is pregnant again now too. Actually two of them are. 

R and J. R got pregnant shortly after I miscarried and it was hard to be happy for her, not that I said or showed that to her but it just felt that way and now J is too and she's 20 weeks along which means she must've been preggo for a while and not said anything. I wonder if she didn't say anything because she thought she'd hurt my feelings or whether she was just being safe like me? Perhaps none of the above but still I am happy for her and I can't wait to tell her that we're preggo again too :)

16 weeks

My butt is so, so sore :( I can barely move around and the frustration is growing. I see so many things that need doing and just cannot get to them. I can also see Big V's frustration growing because then he feels like he has to do them all.  I just want to have a clean house and the washing done before Big V has to go back to work and it's just not looking that way.  He'll have to do the grocery shopping, wash the dishes (which he's doing right now) pick up the many miscellaneous things around the lounge room and put on and peg out washes... what a way to spend your last day of holidays! The poor thing. 

On the pregnancy side of things my nose has stopped bleeding as regularly since I started putting paw paw on it (up it?). It makes Little V want to put paw paw up her nose too when she sees me so I've been trying to do it away from her as I figure it is not a good habit to get into - the shoving of things up noses.

My tummy is really starting to feel pregnant too now.  One of the many things my pregnancy tracker has told me now is that I should be able to feel my uterus just under my belly button if I press gently when I'm laying down. I tried it to see. They're right.  

Feeling so annoyed and slightly bored that I can't do stuff right now... so I'm off to lay with Little V to help her go to sleep for her midday nap.

15 weeks and 5 days

I've been having a break from writing over New Year. Big V is on holidays (last day today - boo) so I've been away from the computer which is a good thing really :)  

We got our test results back which say we are a low risk on the nuchal folds test so that was a relief. I had a scan at my OBs and it looked like Baby was asleep, laying with arms above head. I could see the heart beating away but Baby didn't move and so since then I have been a little worried. I do not want to give in to paranoia but I am finding it hard to not be anxious during this pregnancy, so annoying!

I have also managed to strain a tendon in my right butt cheek (oh the indignity) how this has occurred I couldn't say but it is proving to be a frustration as getting things done is a lot harder when you keep getting 'pinged' in the butt when you move a certain way! I imagine it must be the similar to sciatica which I've heard some pregnant women get and I that's what I thought it might have been at first but the pain is only in the cheek not shooting down my leg so nope, not a pressie from the preggo fairy.

Big V took me on a shopping trip for my birthday this year and I found some awesome maternity jeans from Jeanswest for only $65! Or 2 for $99 which we got because Big V got a pair too - obviously not maternity style though, hahaha! I am quite chuffed with this find as last time I was pregnant and looked at a pair of preggo jeans they were $199 so I figure I've got a bargain :) Also, just a secret here but they are so super comfy I can see them being worn after pregnancy as well!

Miscount? 13 weeks and 1 day!

We went to the Imaging clinic yesterday to get our nuchal fold test done and I was so nervous going in. I had vowed not to be as nervous as last time but apparently I don't listen to myself! The lady who scanned me was so kind and went out of her way to tell me how good my scans were and that the baby looked wonderful and just how it should for 13 weeks. "13 weeks?", I said, "I thought I was only 12!" but apparently not.  We got a lovely disc of images too so I'll work on posting some of them soon. 

I don't know whether it is a sign of something either but I have been referring to baby as 'he', perhaps prophetic? Not sure. I'd be delighted with a boy or girl either way. When ever I ask Little V what the baby is though she says little brother whose name is 'baby' so we'll have to wait until the twenty week scan to see. Luckily 'baby' as a name goes both ways!

Today we went shopping in town and it was quite successful. We even stood in line to get a Santa photo and Little V was not too badly behaved (with plyings of crackers, drink and finally a dummy). I did have a strange moment where I developed a shining crescent flash in my right eye. It lasted about 10 minutes and then disappeared. I googled it, of course, when I got home as this is the third time it's happened and it could be an ocular migraine or in pregnant women over 20 or so weeks a sign of pre-eclampsia, only it's normally accompanied by high blood pressure and swelling in the hands, feet or face which I don't have so I'll wait and mention it to my OB when I next see her on the 31st.  It doesn't hurt but it is quite disconcerting! 

Energy levels have been quite good and not as much nausea, if I had to rate today (even though it's not over yet!) I think it'd be an 8 out of 10 :)

12 weeks

I had arranged a while back to go walking with a friend (Miss S) today and after yesterday I was a bit worried that I'd have to cancel due to erkiness. Luckily this was no the case and we were able to set off around ten. I was aware that I wasn't walking at my usual pace (I can't believe I feel so encumbered already!) but Miss S didn't seem to notice.  

Miss S is one of the friends I had previously mentioned that has been trying to get pregnant for a long, long time and started off having hormone tablets and then progressed to injections to try and get her ovulation happening.  I see her quite often and it was a heart breaking thing to watch each months disappointment when she found that she had not conceived. She had told me near the end of November that her OB was going to give her one last 'go' at trying on her own and if she hadn't by December then he wanted her to come in for an op to 'clear out her tubes'! I was so upset for her as I had just recently been through my op and could totally sympathise with the fear and anxiety that come along with such a prospect.  I really prayed and wished for her to be successful and I was a bit annoyed at the pressure her OB had seemed to put on her. 

Well, whilst walking and talking she started telling me how she wasn't sure if she was going to be able to go on her holidays overseas anymore and how she'd have to wait until her next scan and I couldn't help myself, "You said scan!" I exclaimed and she looked at me guiltily and smiled and nodded her head. Of course we carried on like twits in the street, laughing and hugging and all the rest and she told me that she hopes that I get pregnant soon so we can be fatties together and so it was my turn to look guilty. More carrying on and laughing ensued! 

What a great day! It turns out she may be having twins too! Something to do with the hormone injections she tells me but not to get too excited yet as apparently one may be absorbed in the early stages. She is around seven weeks so we will not be far apart in things at all. Let's hope all goes well for the both of us :) It is nice to have some happy news.

11 weeks 6 days

Had an absolute shocker of a day today. Big V and I decided to try and be organised and go Christmas shopping together so there would be two of us to look after Little V but we had such issues even getting out the door that we ended up setting out an hour later than intended. 

Once in town we were driving round the block to try and find a park and I could feel this wave of nausea starting to rise in my belly. I said to Big V that I needed to eat something pretty soon as usually that does the trick but I suddenly realised that it wasn't going to wait. I choked out a "pull over!" and just as he did I opened up the door to let fly with a charming jet of bile into the gutter. Thank God there were no pedestrians in sight as I just kept going and going and going... 

Needless to say it was an extremely unflattering moment and one I don't care to repeat. As I shakily closed the door a new aroma infested the car but it wasn't me. Little V had chosen that moment to crap herself. It was a unanimous decision to call it quits and go home.  Little V went to sleep as soon as we got home and I curled up on the couch and tried to feel comfortable and ignore the foul taste in my mouth that even chipolte sauce couldn't get rid of. I hope tomorrow is a more productive day!